Chapter Twenty-Four

June 1995
Geoff as he grew into his teens became increasingly unhappy and distant, and he would not tell us what bothered him. It was all very well to say 'Matt Carberry', which became a kind of code for 'he'll get over it.' But we had to do something to help him, if only we could know what it was. Our boy was falling apart before our eyes.
The worst of his falling apart came in the middle of June when George went into his room to put his laundry on the bed, and found a syringe wadged under the pillow. He came out to the common room where I was still folding laundry, white, with that thunderous look.
‘God, what’s wrong!’
He was so angry he could barely speak, and gestured shortly. ‘I just found Geoff’s paraphernalia.’
It stopped me cold. ‘Are you sure?’
His voice was sharp. ‘I think I know a heroin kit when I see one…’ he sighed. ‘I’m sorry, cupcake, I’m not angry with you. I just can’t believe it… after all the dumbshit things that kid has done, this beats everything…’ He ran his hands through his hair. ‘Maybe it’s my karma. I was such a wanker to my old man. I did the same damned stupid things…’ He looked at me pleadingly, ‘what did we do wrong, Claire?’
I shook my head. ‘No, babe, it’s just him, trying to sort himself out. He came in discontented. You know that.’ I dropped the towel I held and put my arms around him.
‘Why did we ever have kids?’ he said into my hair. ‘Life was easy, before that…No,’ he moved away to look at me, ‘I don’t mean that. Sassa has been a brick, a jewel, and Geoff hasn’t been horrible until recently. But I don’t know what to do, how to reach him, he just rebuffs everything.’ Behind his anger and disappointment, there was real grief, and I felt so sorry.
‘It’s just his age. It’ll get better.’ I smiled at him. ‘You did.’

I won’t say that George was lying in wait for Geoff; he wasn’t standing at the front door like a door guardian. On the contrary, he was out in the workshop, putting all his energy into fiddle making. When Geoff got in, there was something about him that made my heart sink, a kind of energy. Maybe he was high. Maybe it was just because I knew. He seemed disconnected, and brittle as glass. I couldn’t hide my distress. To my own ears, my voice shook as I said to him in the kitchen,
‘Dad wants to talk to you.’
‘Fuck.’ He turned around and went out.

They came in and we all sat down in the common room. The energy was so heavy it was sickening. Both of them looked pretty bad – Geordie grim and Geoff truculent. I felt very bad for all of us. We needed to get Geoff out of his fix, as it were, but we needed to get back to that space of love and trust that we had had until last year.
‘I found your smack,’ George said unceremoniously. I stared at him. The lingo was so creepy and he spoke with such coldness.
‘Yeah, I figured.’ Geoff muttered. He crossed his arms.
‘What’s wrong with you? ‘ George said. ‘Don’t you realise this is death on a spoon?’
Geoff just stared at him. I could feel the tension rising, both of them stubborn and angry. They were so much alike, in more than looks.
‘Geoffy,’ I said.
‘Don’t think it can’t happen to you, boy,’ George said, cracking his knuckles. ‘Because it can.’
‘Yeah yeah, ‘ Geoff said,’ all that scared straight shit.’
‘Mind your language,’ George said quietly, nodding at me. Geoff shrugged. I got the feeling then that he really was wasted.
‘It’s not just illegal,’ George went on,’ but it’s bad for you. For God’s sake, it can kill you, boy, and you haven’t even lived!’
‘What do you know about it?’ Geoff lashed out suddenly. ‘What the hell do you know about living, out here in the woods with your organic everything like the fucking Clampetts! Everything so wholesome and sweet. What do you know about living? What do you know about anything?’

Before God, I thought George would hit him. He turned white, then red, shaking, and stood up, staring at the boy with a murderous expression. He was breathing hard and it was long moments before he spoke.
‘You will mind your language in front of your mother,’ he said at last. He struggled to control himself, clenching his fist and biting his thumb. His eyes were stormy and dark. Thor at Ragnarok. He sat down again.
‘I know, you little asshole, because I was there myself. ‘ He tossed back his hair, that old gesture, though it was long enough not to hang in his eyes anymore. ‘ It’s not something I’m proud of, but I wasn’t always so squeaky clean, as you think. I was a fix away from a wreck in Soho when I was twenty, hanging with people who’d cut your throat for your dope as soon as look at you. I know a thing or two about life. That’s why I chose differently.’
Well, that moved Geoff out of his fog. He glared at me sidelong, in a kind of angry fascinated horror. ‘Is that true?’ He barked.
I nodded slowly.
‘This blows. You people are a bunch of hypocrites,’ he said, getting up. He went to the chair and picked up his rucksack, and without another word, left.

I think we were a little stunned, because neither of us ran after him.
‘Well, that worked,’ Geordie said, after a few moments. He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Christ!’ He sighed and got up, went to the door, but could see nothing.
‘Should we go after him?’
I looked up at him, feeling so sad and sorry. But underneath that, there was a strange kind of calm. From this space, I said,
‘No. He’ll be back. Let be.’ I held out my hand and he came and sat with me on the sofa. His hands were cold. But so were mine. We sat together, he behind me, just breathing, trying to run off the terrible heavy sickening energy.
‘What are we going to do about him, baby?’ He murmured at last. ‘He’ll kill himself. Oh,’ he sighed heavily, on the edge of tears, and I hugged his arms, rocking a little, troubled, but seeking through the darkness for a way. Nothing came to me.
‘I don’t know,’ I said at last. ‘But God will look after him. I have to believe that.’

He told me, in the dark that night, of the awful moment when he saw the syringe.
'For God's sake, you'd think that twenty-five years would wipe the memory from my brain. But I saw it and I just stood there shaking, having flashbacks – the old craving for that old bliss. It scared the hell out of me, and in part that's why I was so angry with Geoff – for bringing that back to me.' He was crying, and I just held him in my arms and kissed him. Of his hell and Geoff's I knew nothing, but their pain was mine, my lover and my baby.

Geoff came back after a week – he hitchhiked to Hemet, where as he said, he crashed with some friends from Wobbly while he sorted himself out. Meanwhile, we had, after talking with Dave, come to a solution. There was no choice or question about heavy drug use in the house, there never had been; and George had taken all Geoff’s stuff out to midden heap and burned it to a crisp.

After dinner the night Geoff came back we sat again in the common room, but the energy was so different. Maybe because he was clean. I don’t know. Anyway, he said to us,
‘I’m sorry Dad, that I was such an asshole. I was really strung out, I –‘ his voice broke. ‘I do have problems with living this way, but that wasn’t the way to share that.’
George sighed. ‘I know, Geoffy. Thank you for that.’
Our boy turned to me,’ Ma, I’m sorry I was disrespectful. It won’t happen again.’
I nodded.
‘Do you want to talk about why this life bothers you?’ George asked.
‘Yeah,’ Geoff nodded, and then paused. ‘Mommy, could I have some tea?’ I got up and made him a cup of chamomile tea.
‘Thanks.’ He slurped the tea and thought for a while. ‘When I was a little kid, I was happy, because I didn’t know any differently, and nobody here made a fuss about how we live. But… I was about ten, and that was when Uncle Jack was here during the Midsummer.’ He paused. ‘I don’t think – I know I never said this, but he and Dave and Barbie were all really cutting about our living like dirty hippies in the woods. That’s what he said. I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew it had to be bad, that there was something wrong with us.’ He paused, thinking.
‘I think Jack put them up to it, that they were parroting him.’ He looked up. ‘I don’t know why he did it. Why would a man say that kind of thing to a kid?' Another long pause. We knew why: Matt Carberry, and Jack was fresh out of the divorce, so our happy life was hateful to him. ‘But it ate at me. And I began to notice how happy everybody else seemed, people who had stuff and went to the movies and ate out, and had a normal life. And – and I started to feel like you guys were just mean, that you wanted us to suffer. That you wanted me to suffer, for a stupid ideal that was outdated. ‘ He paused again. ‘I don’t know. I think I still feel that way.’ He would not look at us, but pushed the cup around the footlocker that was our coffee table.

‘Thanks, Geoff, for sharing that with us,’ George said into the silence. ‘I’m sorry that you have felt so bad. I want you to know that we have never done any of this to hurt you, or anyone, nor to make you feel deprived, or weird.’
‘I know that, Dad.’ Geoff said slowly. His eyes teared up. ‘Don’t think I haven’t felt like an ass for feeling this way, but –‘ He broke up. George put his hand on the boy’s arm.
‘But?’ he asked softly.
‘You never gave in on anything!’ Geoff burst out, crying and angry, like a little kid.’ You never allowed any compromise, any input from us – from me – to let me feel less of a freak.’ He cried and sniffed. I got up to get him a tea towel.
George looked up as I sat down again and Geoff blew his nose. ‘ So you think I’m unyielding?’ He asked softly. There was no emotion in the words at all.
‘Yes!’
‘Okay. Okay,’ George said. ‘I hear you. I hear you Geoff,’ his voice did break now. ‘I’m sorry son. I’m sorry that our way of living, my way of being, has hurt you.’
Geoff looked up, and was crying again, ‘thanks Dad!’ And without the least prompting, leaned over and put his arms around Geordie. Then everybody was crying.

When we finally collected ourselves again, George and I looked at each other, and I nodded. Dave’s solution was perfect, well-timed, God stepping in. George said,
‘Geoff, I think I know something that would help you.’
‘Mmm?’
George smiled. ‘Not rehab… No Dave Morrisey volunteers with the Landmark Forum in Palm Springs, and he told us that they have a teen programme coming up in a couple of weeks. We thought you might want to think about going.’
‘What’s that?’
I smiled. ‘Son of est. A kinder gentler est. Nobody screams at you that you’re an asshole.’
‘Yes,' George added, ‘but they still discourage going to the toilet.’
Geoff frowned. ‘Is that the thing you did, with that used-car salesman?’
George nodded cheerfully. ‘It’s still long – four days of 16-hour days. But it helps.’
Geoff was still frowning. ‘Is it expensive?’
‘Don’t worry about that. We’ll work it out, if you want to go,’ George said.
‘…What if I don’t?’
‘Then we’ll help you find something else that you do want.’
Geoff sighed, and thought, and then nodded. ‘Okay. I’ll look into it. I’m so tired of feeling this way.’
George smiled. ‘I know the feeling, kiddo.’

In the dark that night, Geordie asked me, 'Am I really such as hard-ass as Geoff thinks?' I winced. There was such pain in the question, put that way. His whole life had been dedicated to being an open, loving person. He tried very hard, and had more patience than almost anyone else we knew, except maybe Joe.
'Oh, babe,' I kissed his cheek and sat up to light the candles. I put my arms around him and listened to the beating of his heart.
'You've always been a man of strong opinions, my love,' I said at last.
He sighed. 'Always the diplomat, you. That is a kind way of saying yes....'
'No it's not,' I said firmly, and looked up at him. 'You must let me finish: You have strong opinions, but you don't force them on other people...' I smiled. 'You just stand by them steadfastly. That's a good thing!'
'What about Geoff's allegation?'
'Every kid hates their parents for some reason, at that age. It's a stage. You did it. I did it.'
' Sassa didn't.' He said. I had to agree with that. But she was a very mellow child. 'But should we – I! - have allowed them television and video games and stereos, and whatever the latest thing was, Claire?' He looked at me, troubled. 'It seemed like such a slippery slope! I didn't want the energy in the house – the war on telly! All the advertising. It's worse now, violence and ugliness and raunchy sex... Did I do the right thing? And if I didn't, did you not tell me because I am a tyrant?'
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The idea was so absurd, but he was hurting so much. I sought the middle ground, 'My Geordie, you are the furthest thing from a tyrant that ever was. You should not devolve to self-doubts now' I kissed him. 'No! Sweetheart, we had a moral duty to bring them up to be decent people, in whatever way we saw fit, and we did that. If it wasn't this, if we had lived what Geoff called a "normal" life, then it would have been something else to get up his nose. Believe me...'
I smiled a little. 'As for tyranny, do you think me such a ninny as to cower and bow to your opinions?' That raised a smile. 'Have I not always told you what I think?' I nodded. 'Yes I have... Baby,' I said, more softly, 'there is only one place where I bow to your command, where mastery is the rule, and this is it. Nay, good my lord, be not afraid of shadows.'
He drew in a sharp breath, and regarded me with such a mixture of feelings: Love, gratitude, desire. I touched my fingers to his mouth and he kissed them.
'Thou be conscience-calmed,' I whispered. 'See, here it is –'
'Claire-'
And that was an end to fretting.

Geoff got back from his Forum with a whole new attitude, and a lot of laughter. Dave and Carrie came over for dinner and we all talked about his experience.
‘Dad, I almost got thrown out,’ he laughed, looking over at Sassa.
‘Eh? How’s that?’
‘Well you know how on the first night you’re supposed to call someone and tell them you have a story going with them?’
Geordie nodded slowly, squinting.
‘Well, ha!’ he tossed his hair from his eyes. ‘I went up at the break and told the trainer that I wasn’t trying to be obstructive or stubborn but that I couldn’t call you because we didn’t have a phone. And he didn’t believe me! He asked then in a kind of slow way like I was stupid if there was someone who could run over and get you to a phone. So I told him we live two miles out of town through the woods, and three if you take our unimproved road, and we don’t have any neighbours nearer than that.’
‘What did he say?’ George was smiling.
‘He told me I was full of it and not to waste his time.’ He tossed his head again. ‘I had to go hunt up Dave and get him to vouch for me! It was a riot.’
Dave laughed and said, ‘Yeah, Geoff came back from the break with that one and had the whole place in stitches. Bob said it was a new one on him.’
'I did call Sas, because I knew she was at the Burkes',' Geoff said.
‘So you got it?’ Geordie asked, somewhat rhetorically.
Geoff smiled like a baby. ‘Oh yeah! Oh yeah. I got it. In spades. Cleared out a lot of old stuff… Now I can build from here.’

And he did. Through all that summer, he worked really hard around the place, took up the uileann pipes under Dave’s tutelage, and volunteered at the free clinic. Before school started, he came to us and said,’ I think I would like to be a trainer some day. I’d like to help other people get free.’
I have to tell you that we cried.